Robert's Tomfoolery

Life

2007-02-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

Life is a little like wrestling a gorilla
You don't quit when you're tired.
You quit when the gorilla is tired!
(Robert Frost)

GREAT MEN THAT I MIRROR

2006-12-19T05:57:00.000-08:00

Often times i sit back and reflect on the great Biblical characters of the ages and find that i have things in common with a many of them. David, Moses, Peter, Paul, and on and on and on. The height of Egotistism you say? The epitome of Arrogance? The summit of Hilarity? Perhaps. But i'll wager that every one who reads this falls into the same catagory as I.
When i deny the Christ or pretend i don't know Him, I am reminded of how much i am like Peter.
When I walk into sinful situations with both eyes wide open and my lust panting like a crazed stag during the rut I much i think like Paul when he called himself the "chief of sinners".
When i whine that i don't have certain abilities or knowledge, just so i won't have to do something for the Lord, I can stand as tall as Moses.
When I've prayed while embracing my partner in an adulterous affair for God to bless us, I think of how i am like David who was so stricken with lust for a woman he had her husband killed so he could have her.
When i think of how often i've lied to save my own skin, i remind me a lot of Abraham lieing about Sarah.
I even go a step further in my likeness to Jeremiah. He only thought about going off to a place and hide from his responsibilites, but didn't. I, too often, have run off into the wilderness and hid until God got it done some other way. Then i came back as if nothing had happened and boldly asked God for my next assignment!
Yes, i'm a lot like many of the heros i heard and read about all of my life. I'm having trouble though finding an identity that looks and mimics their heroic sides.
Oh well. I hope as soon as i see the gates of hell off in the distance i will lay aside all of my road to doom paving paraphernalia and turn and run back as fast as i can.

IF

2006-11-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

1. If i said i had perfected a way to transplant a face from one person to another what would you say? I do it all the time as a hobby. Ironically, i don't need a steril environment, precisioned surgical tools, assistants or specialized knowledge. Just a pair of sicissors and some glue. I am also perfecting body transplants by using the same techniques.
2. If i said i was on the Titanic what would you say? In fact i can be anywhere at anytime regardless of distance, dates or circumstances. All i need is: A) a picture or likeness of the event, a pair of sicissors and some glue , or B) a pad and a pen.
3. If i said i have something in my possession that:
Greets but has no voice, Flies but has no wings, Embraces but has no arms,
Travels but has not legs, Comforts but has no feelings, Is always present but rarely
seen, what would you say?
4. If i said there is no God i would be a fool!

UGLY CAR

2006-11-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

My car is so ugly, local wrecking yards have banned me from parking nearby!

My friend is so ugly when he looked into his mirror, not only did his break but every mirror in a three block area broke as well!

I have a friend that stunk so bad that when he went to bed one night the bedbugs packed up and left!

My baby brother was so fat we used him for a bowling ball until he was five!

AWAY WITH THE SPOT

2006-11-13T06:06:00.000-08:00

I put some spot remover on my dog and he disappeared!!

This, this here, that, that there and the other

2006-11-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

"This" becomes "that" when the sun sets on "this" because during the night "this" morphed into "that" and when the sun rose again it rose on "That" which was "this" just a few hours before. Or "this" automatically becomes secondary to a new "this". Then we begin referring to the first or old "this" as "that". Or when "this" is moved away from a near location to a far away location it is then usually referred to as "that".
"This here" works the same way as "this" but it lends to a more specific identity of "this". When "here" is added to "this" it speaks of a particular "this" as opposed to just any "this". "Here" also makes it much more difficult to misunderstand which "this" is intended when confronted with many options.
One should follow the basic same rules when working with "that" and "that there" as with "this" and "this here". Just always remember that "that" is never "this" until it is officially converted by following the rules of conversion.
"The other", by simple elimination refers to anything that is not "this" or "that". But when anything in "the other" catagory become specifically identified or referred to it becomes either "this" or "that". If such happens then all "this's" and "that's" must give way to that particular "other" that is now being reffered to as "this" or "that".
Hope this clears up any misunderstandings. Our language is something else. As I always say, "Don't never unless you will." And another piece of advice "that" rivals "this" is: (see how i've used "this" and "that" in this sentence?). "If in doubt, don't! If you're sure, do!"
You know in our own language there are idioms, provincialisms, prounciations, etc. that make comprehension and understanding difficult. Sometime I'd like to jump into this and extract some clarifications. until then "this" is Robert (full of tomfoolery)

2006-11-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

2006-11-03T14:55:00.000-08:00

my dog had fleas really bad until i fed him some flea killer. Now he has maggots.

2006-08-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ding dong the school bell is ringing.
And the children come out running and screaming.
They make so much noise the birds stop their singing.
Curious old folks watch from their porches while swinging.
Somewhere is heard a blacksmith’s hammer on an anvil is pinging.
Soon all over town the door bells will be dinging.
As each child arrives home with faces a beaming.
They play games and such till daylight becomes evening.
Then come inside to bathe and give their bodies a cleaning.
They brush their teeth all white and gleaming.
As soon the sandman will be coming and his sand he’ll be bringing.
He sprinkles little eyes so they’ll close and start dreaming.
A few fall asleep while holding books they were reading.
One little boy dreams of a great army he’s leading.
While another dreams of football and the team his is beating.
In one house a baby cries because she is teething.
As the quiet of night settles the town fathers are meeting.
To decide if the kiddy park ball fields need a good seeding
So when springtime comes each field will be greening.
While at the hospital a women sits crying and pleading
Because her child cut himself and is in pain and bleeding.
Soon a doctor takes the child and his wound he starts treating.
Another young man sits at home wondering why time is so fleeting
And if this anything in this crazy world has some sense and meaning.
A shepherd in the field wonders why his flock of sheep keeps bleating.
And a little bird watches as her feathers she’s preening.
While somewhere a Sumo wrestler throws his opponent by flinging.
The other day some one asked why the Tower in Pisa keeps leaning.
“I don’t know.” I said. “Maybe it’s because the ground beneath it is not breathing”.
On the news I heard that a car missed a curve and off the cliff it went careening.
And at all the nation’s airports each boarding passenger they’ll keep screening.
The say the once great hoards of fish in our oceans are no longer teeming.
That global warming is taking its toll on fish and mammal breeding.

2006-08-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

2006-07-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what Satan does on his day off? I doubt he watches much TV since he is the aurthor of almost everything on it. He probably doesn't go to the fashion shows very often because since he is THE DESIGNER PAR EXCELENCE most designers work for him.
I would suspect he turns everything over to his subordinants and then finds himself a quite, peaceful place, turns off his cell phone and instructs his secretary not to bother him and then pulls out his Bible and reads the entire time. In fact it wouldn't surprise me, if given a test to determine what his daily thoughts are about, he would go off the charts as a deep and consistant thinker of God and God's ways. He probably exceeds all humans in time spent in "Christian" thought.
For recreational amusement i sorta suspect he is more a spectator than a participator. This because he has prepared well the ground work to fool the world. He probably relaxes on his couch and watches in great amusement, much as one playing video games, as his influence pulls us into his net. I can hear the laughter, the high fiving, the hurrahs as we, like an unsuspecting, hungry mouse goes for the cheese and, in doing so, relaeases the catch that is holding back the metal bar that spells our doom once released from its moorings. Can't you visualize the hand clapping, the feet tapping, the twirling and leaping as he sees us enter his camaflauged trap. How victorious he must feel when he sees the expressions on our faces when we suddenly become acutely aware of our imprisonment when we hear the door slam shut, locking us in.
Sadly, the world is so ignorant of God's word that Satan can easily sprinkle a little flavoring on these good things and lead us astray because we don't recognize the scents. He uses the good things ordained of God to entrap us. Things such as beauty to create unwholesome desires. Natural passions to creat lust. Emotions to create psuedo love. Reality to create illusions associated with all of these things. Our ego itself is the vehicle that is out of control and barreling down the highway of destruction with nary a thought of wrong.
We somehow never learn, either by our own tragic experience or those of others. We continue to break up our homes in the name of love (Eros). We continue to divorce for any cause. We kill unborn babies by the thousands in the name of rights and freedoms. And on and on the list could go.
Well, we may ask ourselves, "How does Satan, the one to whom we've given our loyalty and obedience, figure into the equation? Does he care a flip about his captives?"
Let me asks the following questions. Maybe this will show us who we owe our loyalty to.
When did Satan ever come running to the aid of the fatherless? When i'm hurting beyond copeing does he care? When i walk out on a marriage of many years and destroy all family members, i am a fool to think Satan has even one brief second of compassion for any one of those effected. All of the carnage on the highways due to alcohol abuse is just more icing on his cake. He laughs at our pain. He scoffs at our pleas. He delights in and encourage child molestation and is overjoyed at the forever pain it inflicts on the offended. He rewards the drug dealer with millions of dollors for the curse their evil contraband brings on humanity. Unwanted pregnancies are what he really loves because he gets two for one with many of them. Not only are many of the pregnancies unlawful but then tack the abortion on the buy one get one!
God on the otherhand is always aware of our miriad needs. He does not refuse to hear us or answer us when we've created havoc and then run squealing to Him to get us out of this mess. God mends the hearts that Satan breaks. He sutures our wounds when we've been cut deeply by our own ignorant misteps. He disciplines us out of love. He encourages us, draws us, calls us. He forgives through His Son. He guraentees salvation because of Him.
What has Satandone for you lately?

2006-05-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

The Day I Broke the Mirror

Today was to be no different than any other day. I had planned to get up as usual and go through the standard routines of morning. Get ready and then go to work. But "Today" just wasn't to be the normal day i had planned.

When i went into the bathroom I saw several ghost images in the mirror. One was sitting on the commode, one was sitting on a stool pretending to put on make up while grinning rather boorishly at me. The third one was trying to zip up his pants but was having trouble with the zipper. His mouth was moving like he was speaking but i couldn't hear what he was saying. Probably a few choice words, i'm sure. Even i looked different.

Well, to say the least, i was frightened. I yelled to my wife not to come into the bathroom and i picked up a perfume decanter and hurled it at the mirror. It broke into a million pieces, i guess, and by the time all the shards had finally fallen to the floor and the noise abated, my wife came to the door and yelled. "What in the world are you doing in here?"

I jokingly replied, "when i saw myself in the mirror it scared me so badly i couldn't think of anything to do but break the cursed thing." "Then I changed my toned quickly and shouted, "Honey there's something not right here. Get the children and go to your mothers!"

"You know I can't go to my mothers. She lives in California!" she yelled sarcasticly back to me.

"Well, go somewhere, anywhere, just go! Quickly!" i answered.

Within 10 minutes she was out the door and backing the car out of the garage. As she turned to go down the street in front of our house i saw what looked like a patch of mist following her.

"No!" i cried. "I've sent her away without any means of communicating with her. And what was that misty patch that followed her?"

At that moment an eerie voice coming from the clothes hamper answered me. "My collegue, Mr. Whitecap, thought it quite necessary to follow your family and keep an awarness of their whereabouts. Please do not worry about them. Not until it's time."

"What is going on here?" i demanded. "Why have you come to my house and disrupted my family like this? And look." i said with great disgust, "I've broken our big bathroom mirror."

The voice answered again only this time it came from the drain in shower. "Three weeks ago our Records Keeper at the Agency Headquarters, Mr. Tasselbaum, was going over some old files and made a remarkable discovery. There was one entire day in August of 1977 that was completely overlooked and 357 persons who broke mirrors that day never had their seven years of bad luck assigned to them. Your name was on that list as having broken a small mirror on your mother's dressing table and then you tried to blame it on your younger sister. Not only did you escape the required 7 years punishment for the mirror incident because of our oversight but you compounded the problem by lying and casting blame on someone else, who, incidently, did suffer 7 years of grueling bad luck innocently because of your lie. Now, not only will you have to suffer your own 7 years for that little mirror incident back in 1977 but also an added 7 years will be added for this huge mirror you broke this morning. Then, to make up for your sister's wrongful punishment we must add another 7 years. That's 21 years of bad luke, my friend. Oh, and by the way, while you are suffering for her being wrongly punished she will be enjoying some very good luck. Now for a bit of good news. Because of the shock this knowledge is bound to have on you we are automatically reducing to 6 years the number you will have to suffer for wrongly accusing her. So you see, there is some consideration on "The Bad Luck for Breaking Mirrors Department" for your personal mental anguish at hearing this news. Provided you don't transgress in any other bad luck catagories you can apply after 15 years for a good behavior time reduction."

"Hey, you guys made the mistake in not assigning the penalties in 1977, not me." i retorted.

"There should be some compensation for your oversight."

"The Agency is not responsible for any discrepencies or oversights. Besides you broke the mirror therefore you are the guilty one, not the Agency."

"When will i begin having bad luck?" I asked.

"Probably next Monday. The Agency is closed on Saturday and Sunday so they can't start the seven year clock until Monday morning." The voice answered.

"What kind of bad luck will i have? And why is it necessary to punish people who break mirrors or let black cats walk in front of them or walk under ladders? Who started this mess anyway?" i asked.

"It all started many centuries ago when the world was totally confused by superstitious herisies and believed many things brought bad luck. It had gotten so bad that almost every country was becoming bogged down in the confusion that reigned. No one was sure what brought bad luck or good luck or no luck at all. It was necessary, yea imperitive, that someone get involved and draw some guidelines for the citizenry of each country. Finally at the turn of the 12th century a group of warlocks took it upon themselves to call universal meeting to determine what should be considered as causes of unluckiness. They met in the castel of Wilheimina located in the mountains to the north of Cockomania, Romania (These particular mountains are called the Climes of Transylvania). This meeting was called to determine once and for all what things should permanently be considered as causing a certain penalty of unluckyness. When word got out of the Warlock meeting a grourp of Leprechauns and Faries in Northern Ireland decided to take that meeting one step further and determine once and far all what things should be considered as bringers of good luck. They had their meeting in Balinockinor, Ireland near the peat bogs of Cliffordstown.

Neither the Warlock meeting nor the Leprechauns/Fairy meeting had an enforcement agency to back their decisions and it was jointly decided to organize a Parent Agency for all Departments of Unlucky Curses and Lucky Blessings. This Agency oversees all punishments meeted out when humans transgress one or more of the items on the original Warlock list and all Good Luck rewards handed out. The "Good Luck" overseers became a seperat Department within the Agency in 1513 to administer this catagory.

1) In 1249 the Black Cat was chosen over the white cat to represent the villian when it walk across your path. Today it is not considered unlucky except in countries of the Western culture. The bad luck that follows this unfortunate encounter varies from person to person, their ages and the number of times they've been hit with bad luck over the years. 2) Walking under ladders was an innocent game children played until 1325. After much debate it was decided to make it a symbol of unluckyness. 3) The number 13 was up for grabs until the citizens of the U.S.A. voted in 1518 to have exclusive rights to this unlucky symbol. No other country is allowed to use this number as unlucky. 4) Breaking Mirrors became the most serious of all unluckyness in 1385 after the great mirror riot in Germany. T housands and thousands of mirrors were broken before the authorities appealed to the Agency for help in making this act unlucky. 5) A groom seeing his bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony was never intended to be unlucky but folks wouldn't let it die so in order to placate the people it is still allowed to circulate but carries no punishment. 6) Stepping on a crack and breaking your mother's back is not bad luck but an old wives tale. This was discussed in depth but at the last vote it was unanimously and soundly defeated. 7) Opening an umbrella in the house became an unlucky act in 1742. This came about to end the monotanous rainy season challenges to umbrella duels by the aristricats in Europe. 8) To avoid the consequences of a one lighted car approaching you it is necessary to lick the print side of your right thumb and touch it to your left open palm and then with your right hand made into a fist hit your left palm and say, "Jinks".

9) Two on a match is unlucky for smokers but not for anyone else. This distinction was clarified in 1721 after much confusion.

The Faries and Leprechauns presented the following list of lucky things to the Agency. 1) Rubbing a rabbit's foot was accepted in 1642. In many cases this will help, but its power is limited to what is called "accidental transgression." Because rabbits are not found on ever continent the Agency allowed for the skunks foot to be substituted in those other countries. 2) A four leaf clover has some power but, again, very limitited and useful only if it is found and reported to the council before one year into the bad luck sentence of an individual. 3) Sometimes spitting on a horseshoe and throwing it over your left shoulder with your right hand will bring luck but it is far better to hang it someplace prominent where it points upward in the shape of a 'U'. If you hang it downward the luck draines out. 4) The number seven is the lucky patron number for gamblers. Be very careful because if a non gambler uses this number it can result in some very unpleasant circumstances. 5) Carrying lucky tokens around in your pocket is not Agency approved but started by an old mountain man in Georgia who got the rumor started that the hounds tooth he carried in his left front pocket brought him luck. As far as the Agency is concerned this means nothing more than another item in your pocket! Now. Anymore questions?"

"No." i answered. "This has been very informative indeed. Now, what about my family. They are not responsible for my misfortunes. Must they suffer because of me?"

"No. They shall not suffer for your unfortunate misteps. The only disadvantage to them is the necessity to complete your sentence in the unlikely event that you should die before you fulfill your obligations. They have the choice of one of two things. They can agree to fulfill by suffering personally the remaining obligations of your unlucky time or they can purchase the remaining time for $1,000 per unfulfilled year."

At that i told them thank you, bade them good day and left the premises to locate my family. The only thing i had going in my favor was an indelable impression in my mind of the tread design on the tires of my car. I determined the best way to locate these tread marks would be to go to the center of town and walk ever enlarging circles away from the town center. After four days and five miles from ground zero i stumbled on the tread design imprinted in soft earth near the construction site of a large manufacturing plant in the industrial area. Following these tracks i soon came to a building with double doors where the tracks appeared to disappear inside. To be polite and law abiding i first knocked on the doors. After a few minutes and serveral more knocks, i decided not to be so agreeable and i began to pound on the doors and scream "open up or else!" Soon one of the doors opened slightly and the sillouette of a gigantic hulk of a man or beast appeared in the shadows just inside the door.

"What you want, partner?" a gruff voice issued from within. "You make lotta noise i guess you know. How i sleep with all noise you makin'?"

"I'm looking for a woman and three children. The tracks of the tires of their car appear to end right at your door. Have you seen them?" I asked.

"No. I not seen woman and children but i do see children and woman." he answered.

"Are they in there now?" I eagerly asked.

"Children asleep. Woman awake. Who you be?" he challenged.

"They are my family. May i come in and see them?" i asked politely.

"I go ask boss if okay. He let me know i can let you come in." and at that he sauntered off in search of some person he referred to as boss.

Unwittingly he left the door ajar and i slipped in. I was immediately accousted by what looked like a mix between a wolverine, a brahama bull and a pitt bull dog. I immediately stopped in my tracks. At that precise moment i remembered a piece of jerkey i had put in my pocket to take the edge off my hunger pangs at some time or other. I pulled it out and offered it to the beast. He became very docile and began to whine and crawl toward me. I handed him half of the jerkey and walked past him as he greedily began devouring it. Within a very steps i could hear a woman crying and i knew it was my beloved wife Tosheba. If this were truely she then my children couldn't be far away. When i got to where her voice was coming from, i couldn't get into the room where she was. "Oh no." i thought. "My bad luck has already started!" I pushed on the door but it wouldn't budge. I ramed my shoulder into it but it still didn't budge. As i stood pondering what to do next i heard the Hulk i had encountered at the door yelling.

"Partner? Partner? Where you are? Boss gone to eat him dinner. Can't talk you now. Where you are, Partner? You not 'sposed to be in."

I yelled back to him, "I'm in here with my wife and kids. If you want me you'll have to come in here at get me."

In a moment i could hear him lumbering in my direction. I jumped and hid behind a barrell just as he reached the door. He yelled, "Come out now Partner or i come in get you."

"I guess you will have to come in because i'm not coming out." i threw my voice as i remembered the fundamentals of the ventrilaquest corrispondence lessons i took as a young man. He fell for it and as he braced himself to crash his shoulder into the door he said, "You not play fair, partner. You cheat. When i get hands on you you be sorry."

When the door broke open with the force of his huge size i ran quickly and gathered my family and we hightailed for the car, jumped in and cranked it. As we sped past the dog beast i threw him the rest of the jerky. He barked his gratitude and then a second later we were crashing through the double doors i had come in through. With the exception of a few dents and scrapes the car was okay and we sped down the road and headed for the highway leading home. An hour later we pulled into the driveway or our house. I told everyone to keep quite and we would observe the house for a few minutes. I noticed a green glow in the kitchen so i deduced that the ghosts were still there. They had their CD player glaring and i could the music to "Casper the Friendly Ghost" playing. I decided this was not a good thing so i once again wheeled the car into the street and made a b-line for a nearby motel. After getting the family situated i went to the public library to do a little research about ghosts. As i read i stumbled upon a little know text that mentioned the way an African Witch Doctor had trapped spirits who were terrorizing his patients. He would catch fire flies and put them into a container half filled with water. The light from the flashing fire flies attracted the spirits who in turn went to the container to investigate. As one entered the container he closed the lid and trapped it. he did this until he had trapped all eighteen that were causing him problems. I went on reading and learned that a particular type of coloring smeared on the lid and container kept the spirits from escaping their prisons. It was the coloring from the banana peel after it was squeezed and strained through cloth. In twenty minutes i had four pounds of bananas, some cheese cloth and 12 quart fruit jars. I filled them half full of lake water for fear the chlorine in our drinking water might be a problem. After squeezing the peels and straining it i smeard each jar abundantly with the colored juice and set out to find fire flies. In all i found 14 flies along with an abundance of mosquito bites and scratches over both arms. Not to worry, i set out for my house to trap these dasterdly creatures. I stratigically set the jars in a circle around candle i had lit. Then i yelled, "Oh Ghosts! Come and get me! I'm in the front yard!"

In a moment the door flew open and before i say "Jack Robinson" one of them was in the jar trying to get the fire fly. Quickly i closed the lid just as two others made haste to another jar. My first thought was "would one jar hold two of them?". I'd soon find out because both went into the jar. I covered the jar witht he lid just as one of the ghosts look up at me with the expression of a deer caught in the headlights of an oncomming car. I tightened the lid and prepared for others. In all i trapped 8. My work done i gathered up the jars of spirits and drove to the railroad station where i rented a locker. I put the jars int he locker and stuffed the key in my pocket. "If i keep paying the rent on this locker they'll stay in there forever." i thought.

Tired and hungry and wanting to see my family i returned to the motel and gathered them up and returned to the house. The next day we decided to disappear and assume new identities. We sold the house and collected our back pay and cashed in our retirements and fled in search of a safer abode.

This is the end of my story that i am willing to share. At this writing I am happy and content in my new home in "Some Where" USA. God bless you all.

2006-05-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Dearest Ones,
Well I am now over the crisis I brought on myself for not heeding our dear mother’s warnings about eating fish and drinking milk. I really suffered for two months but now believe I will survive the ordeal. I lost 100 pounds before the pendulum swung in the other direction.
I hope this will help all of you in case you who might be an unbeliever in the the advice of this dear woman to protect and nurture her children. I have been so lax over the years by not encouraging my own children to obey this rule and to teach it to their children. I had to find out the hard way and would hope to deter anyone else never to walk the path of openly defying the laws of nature concerning the combining of certain foods.
Anyway, here’s the story. It was a stormy night and I was driving home from a business deal gone sour. Needless to say I was despondent and overcome with a sense of worthlessness. Ah, the guys at the office tried to console me and boost my morale but I was too far gone into self pity to listen. As I drove I noticed in the distance the glow of a convenience store’s sign just up a head. Nearing the store I decided to stop and get a bite of something to tide me over until I got home where I knew Jan would have a hot supper waiting and I could sit amidst my little family and not only feel the love and joy of home and all its comforts but also be coddled and encouraged by Jan and the kids.
I pulled in and parked right at the front door of the store. Since it was stormy out no one else was in the store. The little plump man behind the counter acknowledged my entrance with a nod of his head. I said something lighthearted to him and he just grunted. Obviously, he didn’t want to engage in conversation. I looked around awhile as nothing leapt out and grabbed my palate. Inspecting the sandwiches I noticed there a Tuna on rye. I hadn’t had a tuna fish sandwich in ages so I picked it up and headed for the cooler to get something to wash it down with. None of the sodas looked good so I slowly walked and scanned the other contents. Teas, juices, water, Gatorade, milk. “Milk!” I thought. “I haven’t had a good old pint of chocolate milk in forever.” I snatched one and walked briskly to the check out. The plump little man rose slowly from his stool and with another grunt acknowledged me. The total sale was $3.55 so I handed the man a twenty.
“You got anything smaller?” he asked. “I ain’t got much ones.”
“Sorry, man, this is it.” I replied.
“Guess that’ll have to work.” He said and gave me my change.
I walked out the door thinking I should write the company who owned the store and complain about the attitude of their employee but then I figured he was a victim of this depressing weather and, who knows, maybe he didn’t have a loving little family waiting on him somewhere.
I got into the car, opened the sandwich and the chocolate milk, buckled my safety belt, put in my favorite C.D. and pulled out of the parking place contemplating how good that tuna sandwich was going to taste. I gulped down three big swigs of milk and then took a big bite of the sandwich. As I swallowed the memories of mother’s warning flashed through my mind. My first reaction was to pull over and force myself to vomit. But then I got to thinking how absurd that the fish/milk combo could possibly be poisonous. In my whole life I’d never read of anyone dying of fish/milk poisoning or for that matter even being sick or hospitalized for such. I reasoned also that if, in fact, it was true that you could die from this then why didn’t the F.D.A. require warnings on all fish food labels and milk cartons like they do for cigarettes? Pretty soon I had convinced myself that no harm would come from indulging in this combo so I greedily took a bite then took a swallow, took a bite and took a swallow. I did this until both sandwich and milk were gone. My tummy now satisfied I began to lighten up a bit and started singing along with the C.D. As I followed the tune of the song I blurted out loudly, “Home! Home, here I come! Hot diggady dog, I’m happy as can be! It’s Friday ni………..” at that moment I had a horrible cramp in my stomach that felt like a pile driver had hit me in the mid-section.
“Whoa!” I muttered. “What in the………” and then it hit again and again and again in very rapid succession. Suddenly I felt deathly sick. I stopped the car and got out quickly because it felt like my stomach was an active volcano about to erupt. Erupt it did! I puked for what seemed like an hour. I thought my guts would literally be coming up the last few times. With the vomit the mass in my stomach was expelled but not the toxic waste it produced. I sank to my knees and propped my head against a tree. At that moment I was sure death was lurking behind every tree and bush just waiting to grab me and pull me down into its pit. “My precious family.” I thought. “I’ll lay here and die and never see them again. Oh, woe is me!” I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest and my breathing became shallow and rapid.
That’s the last thing I remember until I heard a gentle voice saying my name over and over, “Robert. Robert. Robert. Can you hear me Robert?”
“Yea.” I muttered. “I.., I can h-h-hear you b-b-but I can’t s-s-see you. Who’s t-there?”
“I am your guardian angel.” Came the soft reply. “Do you remember anything about what happened to you? When I first found you after receiving an automatic distress signal from your brain, I found you lying in a pool of vomit.”
“A-a-am I d-d-d-dead?” I weakly asked. “Am I in h-h-heaven?”
“No you’re not in heaven.” Came the angel’s reply.
“Oh no!! Then I-I-I’m in H-Hell!” I said and began to weep.
“No, Robert. You’re in neither place. You are in a hospital morgue. Yes, you are dead but not entirely dead. Your soul is clinging to your body with a very weak thread of sinew. You don’t have to completely die unless you wish. But to keep you from dying you must explain to me what happened.”
“I remember stopping at a store and getting a sandwich and some milk. That’s about it. My mind is so foggy.” I answered.
“Think Robert. What kind of sandwich? This is very important.” The angel prompted me.
“I-I-I think it w-was a tuna fish but I can’t remember for sure. I remember the milk was chocolate though. Why is this so important?”
“Because, Robert, we suspect you ingested a fish/milk combo and this is extremely lethal. Lethaler than strychnine or bofanitine. Did your mother never warn you about mixing these two foods together? After eating either of these you much wait at least five hours before you and eat the other. And you, my child, ate both of them together.”
“No.” I answered. “I don’t want to die entirely. I want to see my family again. What must I do?” I pled.
“One, you must agree never, ever, to eat these two foods in combo. And then, two, you must wear a chocker around your neck for one year that says, ‘I will not disobey the teachings of my mother’. Lastly, you must be willing to visit the schools in your area telling your story and warning the children of the dangers of eating this combo. Warn them also of the consequences of swallowing watermelon seeds. Tell them they must eat black eyed peas on every January 1 without fail. Do you understand me, Robert?”
“Y-y-yes I understand and I promise. Is there anything else I must do?”
“If you want your life back you must spend three days in the furnace dungeon of the medieval King Brontosaurus. Though you will be there on a visitor’s pass you will, none the less, be treated like everyone who is there. I will see that you are brought back here after you’ve completed your time. Are you prepared to make this journey, Robert? Your body will remain here in the morgue until you return. Then you will be revived and sent home to your family. One word of caution. Obey all orders and don’t do anything but what you are told. Otherwise, they will punish you with solitude and I won’t be able to rescue you as planned.”
“Okay, if there is no other way. I know I must pay the penalty of disobeying my mother’s warnings. Yes, I’m ready.”
In the time it took to blink an eye, I found myself falling through a long, narrow, dark tunnel. At first it was cold in the tunnel but as I continued to fall it became increasingly warmer until it was uncomfortably hot. As suddenly as I began the fall I just as suddenly came to an abrupt halt. It was unbearably hot and great sweat drops began to pop out on my face and forehead. I reached to retrieve a handkerchief from my back pocket only to discover that I was completely naked. I tried to cover myself with my hand when a deep gruff voice said, “Here. Cover yourself with this.” I looked up and saw an evil looking thing shoving a shovel toward me. Its appearance was indescribable. Something you would expect to see from another world.
“Ha!” I thought. “This place is another world!”
When the creature spoke again it had the voice of an older lady. “Your nudity will not be noticed down here.” It said. “Modesty is wasted in this place. Now get on over to that pile of Boxamite rock and start shoveling it into furnace number fifteen over there. There are no rest breaks here. This place is open night and day and that furnace burns forever. So get your behind over there and get busy with that shovel.”
Without a word I turn and walk toward the furnace he indicated. There we two other men at the furnace just shoveling away and overseen by two other creatures that looked like they had come out the Black Lagoon! As I approached one of the creatures yelled, “Are you Robert?”
“Yes. That’s me.” I responded politely.
“I heard you wuz coming. Can’t understand why we needs to keep getting’ new ones all the time. Ya’ll cause nothing but trouble and most of you is lazy and always complainin’ about the heat. If I wuz the boss of this outfit I’d fill your hides so full a misery you’d think twice a’fore ye’d break yo’re mammas warnins’ ever again. When ya leave here I’ll make it so’s ye’d toe the line.”
“Do I get a pair of gloves and some water?” I asked knowing before I asked what the answer would probably be.
“Gloves’uz outlawed here centuries ago and ye all get one swaller a water ever night at eleven o’clock sharp. Now les see ye get that shovel a swingin’”.
For two days I sweated with that shovel trying to keep furnace number fifteen going at full blast. My body ached, my hands hurt, my feet were sore and my mouth was parched. I determined the next time I had a chance to talk to the creature I’d ask what these furnaces needed to be so hot and what were they used for? So when he came to give me my swallow of water I grabbed hold of his arm to keep him from walking away so I could ask him my question. That was a mistake. I got a jolt of something like electricity but it felt like a million red hot needles poking me over and over again. The pain continued reverberating throughout my body until I wanted to run and jump into the furnace. When finally it subsided, the creature spoke to me. “Wern’t ye told not ta touch any of us down here?” he asked.
“No sir.” I reverently and respectively replied. “But wild horses couldn’t make me touch you again.”
“Well, don’t never, ever make that mistake again. Ye might not be so, shall we say, “favored” next time.”
“But I did want to ask you a question, if I may.” I answered.
“What would that be?” He asked.
“Why do these furnaces have to be so all fired hot and what do you use them for?”
“They is the way we heats this place. If not for them fire pits every living soul here would be froze to blocks of ice in no time.” He answered.
“My word! What a strange world.” I muttered
“Well that be how it works. Now you get back to work.” He scolded.
At that very moment I began to envision how I might be able to extinguish these fires. If I could get a few of my colleagues to go along with me then we could gradually decrease the amount of Boxamite we shoveled with each scoop, then every thing would cool down and we could succeed.
The next morning, while all the overseer creatures were in the great gathering room attending a required staff meeting with their boss, I began to scurry around to feel out the other folks at the different furnaces. In all there were 20 furnaces. “It can be done.” I said with a motivational tone in my voice. I finally got someone from every furnace to agree that at noon we would start decreasing our shovels full by 1/2. They were as ready to get out of this place as I was. “By evening the temperature should be down considerably.” I told them.
When the creature overseers finally returned to their posts from a long, drawn out,dull meeting, I heard one of them tell another, “Boy, it getting cool in this here place.” Well, maybe it just this pit.” He responded. “Let me go I go check around and see if them odder pits is coolin’ too.” By the time he had made the rounds we had decreased by ¾ our loads. Within an hour we began to see the creatures shivering and wrapping themselves in their arms. Some were even blowing “smoke” from their mouths. By the time an alert was signaled it was too late and the place was so cold it would have been impossible to ever heat it again before everyone turned to ice. As the creatures began to freeze and turn to ice I began rounding up everyone who assisted me and we headed for the tunnel. There were no stairs or ladders but the walls were roughly hewn so we were able to scale the tunnel with no trouble at all. In all 400 of us managed to escape. When we got to the top we all exchanged addresses and promised to try to get together at some future date for a reunion.
I headed for the morgue as fast as my legs would carry me. When I got there the morgue attendant wouldn’t let me in even after I explained the situation to him. He only looked at me like I was crazy. So I yelled, “Guardian Angel. Where are you?”
In the time it would take to snap your fingers the angel appeared. “What are you doing here? It’s still a whole day before you’re supposed to leave. How did you manage to get out?” The angel asked.
“Me and my fellow workers united together and caused all the furnaces to go out. All the creatures and their boss are now blocks of ice with no hope of ever being thawed out.” I explained. “Now can you get me into the morgue to reclaim my body so I can go home to my family?”
“Well, this is rather unorthodox. In fact nothing like this has ever happened before.” The angel confessed. “But yes, I will get you in so you can get your body.”
Together, invisibly, we both walked in and pulled out the drawer where my body was stored. There I was so peaceful and serene looking. I had never seen myself dead and thought how weird. The angel said a few words I didn’t understand and touched my body. Immediately I entered my body and when I opened my eyes the angel was gone. I walked over to the attendant and asked for some clothes. He was so startled that he ran from the room screaming that a dead person had come to life. At that I grabbed a sheet and wrapped it around me and went out the service entrance. I commandeered a hearse and drove toward my house. I left it one block from the house so it would appear someone other than me had taken it. When I went up to the door I could hear my dear little family talking about what life was going to be like without me. They were also planning my funeral. I knocked and took several deep breaths to bolster myself for the “homecoming” I was about to experience. My youngest opened the door and yelled, “Daddy’s home!”
Every one ran to the door and when my wife saw me she fainted. After she revived I told them all what had happened and how we had put out the fires of those awful furnaces and escaped up the tunnel leading back to our time.
Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I guess the moral to this whole conglomeration of events is, “Always stick to your mamma’s advice and warnings.” Had I done so, and not eaten fish and drank milk together, I would still be a hulk of humanity just walking around doing my thing and always wondering if what my momma taught me was true or not. Let me tell you brothers and sister, nieces and nephews that I experienced a few days in my life that I wouldn’t trade for anything but knowing what I know I would not go through it again. For me and my house we will keep my mother’s warning and advice alive forever more.
With love, Robert

2006-05-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

An old friend of mine from high school died this week. His name was Joe David Parker. I haven't seen him many times since those high school days but we did get to visit some when i would return to my home town of Sulphur Springs, Texas. Joe David was mildly retarded (i guess to be politically correct i should say, "mentally challenged") but he was a true and loyal friend. In fact he was rather unique. But to love him and appreciate him you had to know him not just know of him. Most people liked to pick at him and tease and never took the time to see the qualities he possessed. Our group always let him particpate equally in the things we did and i know he never felt uncomfortable or threatened with us. The group i ran around with consisted of 4 to 5 guys and Joe was one of them. Generally where ever we were he was with us. He didn't drive but rode a bicycle every where. In fact one of the most amusing moments was a time we went out to a rural area and tried to teach Joe to drive. We were in a pasture so there were no hazards like on coming traffic, braking suddenly, running off the road. He giggled and laughed and did all kinds of gyrations. We quickly saw that he would never be able to drive a car although from time to time we did let him drive a short distance. Joe's mother ran a little business at their home selling shiners and worms to fishermen so we never wanted for bait when we went fishing. He worked regularly to earn money for various things he wanted. He washed dishes for several years in local cafes and janitored a while at one of the local churches. He always had a fascination with funeral homes and finally got a job at Tapps Funeral Home in town. He was a jack of all trades but mostly he enjoyed messing around in the embalming room. If i remember correctly he prepaid his funeral and had a casket picked out. this was many years prior to his death. The last job he held was a 25 year tenure with the Hopkins County Memorial Hospital in the custodial department. Even when the Hospital moved into new quarters on the north side of town (several miles from where he lived) he still rode his bike everday to and from work. My mother always sat in the swing on the front porch of our house and many times he would stop in the afternoon on his way home and visit with her. Though I hadn't kept in close touch i still feel i lost a part of me when i heard of his death. I'm proud of the memories i have of him and i'll never forget the unique person he was. I remember someone saying one time they envied Joe because in his mental state God must surely have given him a free pass into heaven. He wasn't perfect and under the influence of others he said and did things unbecoming of a Christain character. But I tend to agree. His learning capability as well as his comprehension of right and wrong was on level with a 10 to 12 year old. I could write of many more incidents that are so memorable but alas, this is not the place. Thanks for sharing.
Robert of Robert's Tomfoolery.

2006-04-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

For all of you who will not see this i say the following:
For all of you who will see this i say the following: Have a good weekend. Be safe, be courteous, be patient, be loving.
Ponder these things:
What's the difference between a dog outside scratching on the door and a woman outside scratching on the door? When the dog is let in it quits whining!
If the distance from me to where i want to go is 140 steps how many steps will it take to get there if i take two steps forward and one step backward until i get there?
Say this three times real fast: Thelma Thackett threw thirty three thin thorny thistles thrice at Theodore Thurston. Thelma thought thirty three thistles thouroughly and thickly touched Theo's throax. Theo's throax throbbed.

2006-04-20T05:38:00.000-07:00

If i were an atheagnostiskeptic I'd have trouble answering these questions:
1) Where does light come from?
2) Why is light defined by colors?
3) What seperates the light from the dark?
4) Why don't i fall off the earth?
5) Why am i not lighter at night since i'm upside down?
6) Why is gasoline so high?
7) What is "understanding"?
8) Why don't we live longer?
9) What are morals?
10) What is "right"?
11) What is "wrong"?
12) Why do we grow old?

Grandkids, grandkids, grandkids

2006-04-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

I had a grand time this past Thursday, Friday and Saturday keeping grandkids. My son Nino and his wife Alison, went to a retreat and i kept their three kids. They are good kids and about the worst part of having any of my grandkids is clutter. Friday night and Saturday two other grandkids who live here in Belton were with us so the number grew to five. They mostly entertain themselves leaving me some time for incidentals around the yard. My wife and daughter were in Houston for a ladies retreat. My son-in-law was also available Friday night and Saturday for helping.
On Thursday they got here about 3:30 and we just hung out at the house. They were in and out until about 6 p.m. when we went to Luby's for supper. We picked up a friend of mine to go with us and while there saw his new colt. The two other grandkids had family commitments so they weren't available to come over until friday afternoon when we picked them up at school. So Friday morning i mowed and did some things outside while the kids slept a little later. Finally after all three were up and ready we went to Burger King for lunch. David, the oldest of the three had slept until about 10:30. Thursday night i put them to bed about 10 p.m. and said they could watch T.V. for a while. The next morning he said he stayed up all night. I doubt he stayed awake all night but i'm sure he stayed up later since he slept later. After Bruger King we went to the Train Station where they have new playground called Whistle Stop. The kids played there for awhile and then we went to an old steam engine on display and they played for a while on it. Afterward we toured cabooses and generally walked around seeing the sights. They have some little hand cars there with about a 1/8 of a mile of track so i found out when they had them out for the kids to play on. It was the next day (saturday). After we left, i stopped to get them something to drink and some candy, and did a few errand and then we went to the school where the other kids attend and got them. Back home and the play began in earnest. I had several loads of top soil brought in a few months ago and left one purposely for the kids to play on. The spent a good part of their time there digging and build tunnels and forts. That night we brought pizza in for supper.
Then on saturday after they were up and ready we went back to the train stationn with all five and they rode the hand cars a couple of times around the tracks. They had a model train show that we went to and then the old engine and cabooses and we left to go back home. M.J. came and we had sandwiches and Mac and Cheese for lunch. Then more play in and outside and i mowed. M.J. took charge of the inside and i the outside. For supper we went to McDonalds and the two girls went home with M.J. and the boys with me. Emily got home about 7 p.m. and Jan about 8:30. The next day was church and Bible classes. Then Nino and Alison came and picked up their young'uns and the grandkid gig was over. I had a very enjoyable time. robert

2006-03-31T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is America! The United States of America! We are a Nation. We the people of this Nation are Americans. Americans honor what America stands represents. We recognize the symbols that represent this Great Nation. One in particular is our beautiful flag. The Stars and Stripes. This flag stands for freedom, justice and honor. It stands for the indivicual rights we enjoy and the assurance that it will fight to protect these rights and freedoms from any and all enemies who try to alter them.
I have seen in the new lately many people protesting what our government is trying to do to solve the illegal immagrant problem plauging our nation. As i see these protesters marching it really hurts me to see them carrying the Mexican flag. I have nothing against the Mexican flag but it has no place on American soil except at a Mexican Embassy or consulate and among the flags of the United Nations. I do not understand what part it plays in these protests except an embarrassemt to those who carry it. To give any flag an honored positioned in this nation above our own flag is a slap to the face of this great nation and to its citizens.
As you read the following does any flag but Old Glory deserve to be considered?
THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands,
one Nation under God,
Indivisble, with Liberty
and Justice for all.

2006-03-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'M now writing children's stories for my grandchildren. Most of these they will not see for awhile but hopefully it will give them something else to remember their old grandpa in later years. I want to write a series on THE MAGIC HOLE. This is about two boys who are swimming in a pool and find a hole in the bottom. They pass through the hole and find another world below them. A world not so different from ours but still enough to make it interesting. The one about SEEDLING SID. The story of a little tree from the day it bursts trhought mother earth until it finally is taken by God to grow for ever in the Heavenly Forest. Another one is AUDREY KATE AND THE DOOLITTLE GIRLS. This one has a faint resemblance to Red Riding Hood and Sleeping Beauty and yet is quite different. Then one called THE MAGIC CHAIR. This will probably be a series also. It is about two boys finding an old rocking chair in an abandoned house and discover that the chair will take them anywhere they wish and in any age they desire (past or future). Another is THE MIRACLE IN THE STORM. Two children and their father get caught in the barn by a bad storm and twin calves are born. It's mostly about them naming the calves. I have some other ideas in mind but will finish the ones i've started first. I am trying to name all the characters in the stories by one or more of the grandkids. I worte a series of short stories a couple of years ago for a Christmas Story Book for the kids and have also made a couple of Coloring Books for them. I guess this sounds like i'm bragging but really i'm not. I love my grandkids very much and find this as a way to interact with them. I'm proud to be their Papa. So long for now. God be with you. Robert

2006-03-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

The sand beneath my feet is slowly shifting now and I'm finding it's hard to stand.
No more a solid footing can I find nor place to hold and steady my trembling hand.
All my efforts to move now play against me for I'm sinking deeper with every feeble step.
And what will happen if this sand engulfs me takes me down into its depth?
I must cry unto the Lord as David cried: "Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me."

2006-02-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

well another weekend is here. I'm wondering how many i've seen in all my years. let's see. i'm 68 plus years old. that makes me 3536 weeks old. Each week has a weekend so i guess i've seen about that many weekends. Man that's hard to believe. if ive been around 3536 weeks then that embraces 24,752 days. a day is 24 hours so that's 594,048 hours that i've used up. boy, i'm getting tireder and tireder just doing these calculations. I think i'm going to quit before i have to go lay down for a nap. Ciao. Robert

think it over

2006-01-23T05:48:00.000-08:00

If works do not save us then isn't it reasonable to accept that works do cause us to perish? If works are the product of the heart in response to the course my spirit has chosen to walk then I am no more lost because of works than i am saved by works. Both good works and evil works are simply the manifestation of a spirit accepting God and following Him or a spirit that denys God and follows Satan. The evil deeds i see in the lives of bad people are the result of evil heart already condemned for his chosen walk and not for the deeds this walk creates. Think it over.

AMERICA

2005-12-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

America! Land of the free. Where we can exercise our freedom of speech with fear of reprisal. However this doesn't mean we won't be heckeld, opposed or even have a rotten tomato thrown at us from time to time. But if i really believe in what I'm saying and have a thick enough skin I can tolerate that kind of passive reaction. After all, this freedom of speech gives us the right to disagree as well.

Some folks, however, are very egotistical about their own opinions andget rather irritated if others disagree with them. Most of us want to be heard but not many of us want to listen. I get amused at how many people think they have all the answers regardless of the context they may be opposing or promoting. And for the majority of us the news media and talk shows are about the only "reliable" information sources we have.

Based on that info and a little banter with others, some of some of us declare ourselves experts in every field from international occurences all the way down to the local stuff. It it weren't for the serious consequences that might follow it would be amusing to see how many of we local experts would handle the various problems that plague our world every day.

Mostly though, we're just plain folk with a basic education level who just want an opportunity to be heard. And, ironically, some of our home spun wisdom is right up there with the big leaguers.

I remember when i was small boy and people would say, "I got my education at the university of hard knocks". I'm sure I envisioned a college campus somewhere that taught the skills and wisdom of life. What these people were saying was they had no formal education but learned about how to make a place in their world by just doing it and if consequences followed then learn by them. Home grown wisdom and knowledge has to be up there close to a ten on the scale of success.

My dad quit school at a very young age and besides learning about life and how to function in it by working on the family farm, he had a successful career in railroading. He retired from the Cotton Belt Railroad after 45 years. He also acquired the highest degree life could bestow on a man just by paying attention and learning by trial and error. He couldn't use a slide rule but had to depend on his own ingenuity and logic to get the answers he sought for. He never saw a computer but his mind worked like one. He was a wise man. Wise enough to realize that might have some good ideas but smart enough to know his world was small and his influence was in his world was even smaller.

I remember an old proverb i heard once that went, "We grow too soon old and too late smart." I see myself in those words. If i've learned anything in my 6 decades of life and a head full of gray hair it would be to change the world so it would be a safe and peaceful place where our children and grandchildren could live and prosper and look forward to the future.
robert for robert's tomfoolery

THE WHITE IN CHICKEN POOP

2005-12-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

What is it? Why is it? An age old question. The heart of many a conversation since the domestication of the chicken. Have YOU ever wondered about it? Most chicken raisers have. Forget everything you've ever thought you knew about the subject because now, when you read this, you will have broken down the old barriers of fables, suppositions, etc. and entered the world of true knowledge with a finality that you can take to the bank!

Although our subject bird is only one in the overall fowl community its poop is the one most often seen which in turn leads to the question represented by our title. Following is a sampling of the percentage of white in fowl poop. Chicken: 39%; Pigeon: 83%; Turkey: (domestic) 42%, (wild) 32%; Sparrow: 29-1/2%; Buzzard 12% (since the buzzard's origin is the Ukraine no data is available before 1720); humming bird: 34%; Crow: 19-2/3%; Eagles: 21%. As you will note the white is not as prominent in birds of prey. This is thought to be due to diet but no concrete evidence has yet been found to verify that assumption.

Many years ago the noted American Audabon Society expert on aviarian subjects, Sir Trebor Ttoille, Phd., CccP., Arp., PPi., F.a.c.e., wrote a poetic ditty for his young nephew so he could grasp the digestive cycle of the chicken. This little poem has become a must in all universities and colleges where the anatamy of the chicken is taught.
The food goes into the the chicken's craw.
It's good. It's nourishing. But alas its raw.
Raw can't give the chicken what it needs.
So when the craw gets the signal this food it frees.
And the craw says "Hey, this food can't stay."
"To my brother the gizzard I'm sending it today."
Then from the gizzard it travels to the gut.
And there its prepared to be dumped from the butt!
Once out the butt and onto the ground
It just sits and waits until it is found.
When its found people marvel at the sight.
And exclaim, "No poop but a chicken's is laced in white!"

Only until the late mid 1900's was it discovered that a chicken has a dual digestive system. Some had suspected it but none discovered it until Prof. Ttoille did the world's first chicken autopsy. Since then medical journals have renamed the chicken's digestive system to "Ttoille's System: From craw to gut to gizzard to butt." Chickens have two of every thing until the final three inches of its large intestine, where the two merge and blend the chicken's fecal discharge. It is at this juncture that the two poops intertwine. The white from the "A" system and black, brown or gray from the "B" system. This intertwining give the poop a "ribbon effect" similar to Stripe Toothpaste.

The two systems are fed seperately from the discerning gullet. It is remarkable how the gullet knows to seperate the incoming forage and divert it to the proper craw. Living organisms such as bugs. flies, worms, beetles, small reptiles, etc. go to the left craw. The inanimate intake goes to right craw. Things like grain, pebbles, mash, food scrapes, grasses, etc.

These two systems are chronologically precisioned so that the process of digestion moves at the same pace in each. What ever enters the chicken's mouth at a given time is expelled as fecal residue at the same time. As each digestive system begins moving the food through its various stages of digestion it is believed that an enzyme called "snowwhite" coats the mass in the medial floe canale (between craw and gizzard). The "X" molecules readily absorbs this slimy gray substance but for some reason the "Y" molecules in the second system refuses it. This enzyme is what causes the poop to turn white in the lower gut just before merging with the poop from the second system. When these two systems merge, about three inches from the bird's rectum, the intertwine much like a barber pole or like stripe toothpaste. If a long ropey mass could be laid down by the chicken when it poops it would be a beautiful sight indeed.

The odor of the white element is not at all foul as is the darker substance. In fact it has a rather pleasant odor much like honeysuckle.

It is interesting to note also that the dung beetle will have nothing to do with the chicken's fecal mass as it is dropped by the chicken. But if the white is removed then the beetle will show preference for chicken dung over a large variety of other dungs.

The scientific possibilities of the white part of the poop seemed endless until around the early 1900's. 1) it might be a good source for bug repellent. 2) It could processed into a room deoderizer. 3) It quite possibly could become an optimum white wash for fencing, concrete, outdoor wood surfaces. 4) One company even tested it as a whitener for clothing and bedding. At any rate in 1911 the EPA along with the National Federation Against the Cruelty of Dumb Birds pressed congress into outlawing the use of this poop product for any purpose but fertilizer. However this didn't deter some diehards. A very active and profitable poacher element surfaced and thrived during the remainder of the decade. The would poach the white part of the poop during nighttime forays on chicken farms all over the south. This clandestine organization was finally squelched by the IRS teamed with local natiional guard units. This last stand by the poachers took place in the small Texas town of Pittsburg. Ironicly this last band of poachers was called "Pilgrims". To this date it is not certain if the Pilgrim's Pride Poultry industry is named for the poachers or the founder.

I have a feeling people with smirk when they read this and most will doubt its veracity. If you have any doubts contact Prof. Ttoille.
robert for robert's tomfoolery

PREDESTINATION #2

2005-12-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

If I were to choose to accept the Calvinistic view of Predestination I would have modify it to make it more compatible with biblical history as well a myriad of scripture that, try as i may, I cannot conciliate with their teaching.

To list a few: IIPet.3:7 & 9; IIPet. 3:14-17; Acts 2:38; Heb. 10:26; Ezek. 18:4; Rom. 2:5ff;-9; IIThess Gal. 1:6. 1:5-10; IIThess. 2:9-12; Acts 17:27.

And I would also need compatible answers to the following issue. What is the sense and purpose of this life experience of humans upon the earth (birth, life, death) if the final destiny of each one was known before their beginning? How are the chosen benefited by this experience? And why drag out the final execution of the unsaved? The Garden of Eden was void of this experience. It did not have a corrupt or vile environment. Death was unknown. Obviously God intended for His creation to live there forever. And if this is true all who came to live there were placed there purposely by Him. And although it doesn't say, I would assume that this was to be a permanent home not some temporary prepatory place for the earth experience. Also, if the Garden was intended to be a forever place then it would be logical to assume all the people there were supposed to be there and didn't live under any threats or uncertainties. That would contradict the Biblical affirmation that Predestation was a before creation fact. The Bible says it happened before the creation of the world not after the fall of man in the garden. And if life in the garden was intended to be permanent and populated by people who God intended to be there then where do the unsaved or non-chosen ones come into the picture? It can't be after the fall as stated above because that would contradict the Bible.

I cannot reconcile in my mind a god who whimsically create two beings and bless one with eternal life and one with damnation even before either had done begun to live life. At least give the non chosen one a sporting chance to win or lose.

And why does Hell exist if only to hold the souls created only for the purpose of being there? Such, in my opinion, is against God's very nature. God is not sadistic and takes no pleasure in the loss of even one soul. John 3:16 is diametrically opposed to such an idea. IIPet. 3 makes God a liar. I cannot envision God in cahoots with Satan at creation saying, "One for you and one for me." "One more for you and two for me." Or even like a game of marbles where we are the pawns set in the circle and our destiny depends how accurate God can shoot His marble to knock us out of the circle and claim us for His own. Otherwise Satan gets us.

I cannot see God creating people for the sole purpose of filling Hell. Why would He create people who would have no hope and no chance of reconciliation. The very sobriety of man's spirit and its awareness of punishment (it is a fearful, dreadful thing to fall into the hand of the Living God). I think of hell and it scares me to death and I do not want to go there. But if I have no choice in the matter, then this does not reflect that love of God who did not spare His own Son for the salvation of humankind. Why would God offer His Son and subject Him to all He went through if no one, in fact, needs to be saved? If God had wanted a certain caste of people in heaven why didn't He just stick with the Garden of Eden thing and not get involved with the earth experience? And if only the pre-chosen are in heaven and they are the saved, what were they saved from if they were never lost or even in danger of being lost?

Is life a meaningless charade where the unsuspecting lost are forced by God to endure a purposeless walk across its stage and then be sent to hell. And would I not at least have the opportunity to ask God why? Would my pleas and screams be only for His amusement? Would all the inhabitants of heaven watch this spectacle and laugh at my misery? This would be extremely close to the format of the gladiatorial games of early Rome.

More later perhaps. Robert for his tomfoolery

Predestination

2005-11-29T10:41:00.000-08:00

Predestination is a valid biblical term and is used in direct relation to our salvation. However Scripture leaves us hanging with no clear definition of how it works or exactly how we fit into the mix. We should probably just be happy to know we are chosen and therefore predestined and leave it there without trying to understand the "whys" and "hows" and "whens". I don't know of many biblical subjects that have intrigued man more than this one. Every one has a little to say about it but few have ever made a plausable argument for their particular view. Most of these attempts just wind up in the wasteland of unfinished or unreasonable ideas.

I've often wondered if the New Testament writers fully understood this doctrine. Perhaps we who follow after them are the ones overly concerned about it. Should we just say we are "Predestined" and let it go at that. The subject is a legitimate subject even as the subject of God's existence legitimate. Mankind will never rest in the relentless search to understand and explaine God. But His very Being is beyond the limits of our intelligence. And like Him, His involvement (predestination for one) with humanity can only be understood up to a point and then falls off the realm of comprehension into the chasm of Divine infinity where no man can enter.

In keeping with what I've already said, i should leave this alone and be content to go about the business of enjoying the benefits. My intent is not to advance a new theory but to present ideas that seem more in harmony with the traditional view of salvation by grace through faith. What I've seen and read from those who follow the Calvinist view, for me it leaves too many irreconcilable differences with other important salvation scriptures.

The Bible is very clear that predestination happened before the creation of the any person. It was already in place before the creation that is recorded in Genesis. Whatever its significance meant for future humans, it first applied to Adam and Eve (assuming they both were predestined). Either both of them were predestined and therefore required no redemptive measures to restore them from the fall or they never fell. But the context describes their fall and punishment. Driven from the Garden; recognized their nakedness; seperated from daily interaction with God; dependent on their own resources, wit and strength to supply for their physical needs; pain of childbirth was intensified; and they became subjects to illnesses, diseases, frailties and even death. If predestination is true according to the thesis of the Calvinists, then the fall and its consequences makes no sense . How could one predestined to eternal life so fall (assuming one or both were in fact predestined). What purpose would it have served?

The whole scope of the Old Testament views God's involvement with humankind and His working toward a time when He could once again embrace His creation without the stain of sin. Messianic prophecies, heavily accented with redemptive promises, course the sidelines of the history of man seeking seeking its moment of fulfillment.

The destruction of humanity in the flood would imply that no living human being at that time, save the eight rescured in the Ark, were among God's pre-elect ones.

What of Jeremiah's "New Covenant" promise? If God's choice was already made then what purpose would such a covenant serve? Who would it benefit?
Would a new and better way have made any difference to a world of people where nothing could be done to change their eternal destiny?

And finally, if pre-selection of the saved is true, Jesus' death, burial and resurrection would have been inconsequential. Who did Jesus die for? Who did He redeem? From what did He redeem them from?

more later. robert for Tomfoolery

TRIP TO ITALY

2005-11-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

My wife and i and another couple made a 10 day trip to Italy in October. Everyone keeps asking me how i liked it. I'm glad i got to go but would rather have spent the time in the area where we lived for 9 years. Instead we went to Rome, Florence and Venice. Rome was crowded with tourists, i mean like the proverbial "sardines"! Florence was crowded. Venice was crowded. The most enjoyable time i personally had was when we took a double decker tour bus in Florence and went to the Suburban town of Fiesolo. While there, the ladies went shopping and as i walked along i saw a barber shop and went in. I hadn't shaved for 4 days so thought i could relax, get a shave and have a little conversation all at the same time. Turns out he was a typical barber. He was quite a talker. He said he'd been in that location 45 years. he tried to retire but was so bored he just went back to the shop and started barbering again. But right after he reopened he had a heart attack and had stint placement. I was there on friday and he had just started back to work on the monday of that week. He was praising medical technology and the prompt response of the emergency ambulance crew. We traded these "war stories" of our heart attacks and such for about an hour. I'm not sure i got the best shave i've ever had because when he talked he had to use his hands so he quit shaving during that time. All in all we did have a good time but i'm sad we didn't get to see friends and church family in Verona and Pordenone. Catch you later. Robert for Tomfoolery.

faith and works partIII

2005-11-19T06:21:00.000-08:00

Sorry to labor this issue but i felt i wanted to say a little more. You know it's sad for me to admit that once i thought i had it all toghther. I "knew" the answers to most Biblical questions and could rattle them off with little fore thought. But at 68 i seem to question more things than ever before. Some things have become harder to keep penned up in the corrals of my "i know the answers so don't confuse me with the facts" brain! I often can identify with how John the Baptist must have felt when he wanted reassurance that Jesus was the real thing or perhaps he'd followed Him in vain. I too would like to know if my convictions about certain things were simply the standard issue of the times or if they are the real thing. At least i seek to know if i'm close so i can know how far i still have to go. At times it seems I'm on a road that isn't passing through "Claritytown" or "Certaintycity".
There are scripture where both works and faith stand alone. For example Eph. 2 "saved by grace through faith and not of works...". Then in James 2 "we're justified by works and not by faith alone". These used to pose a real contridiction for me. I thought both dealt with "pleasing" God and being "acceptable" to Him. We, in my fellowship, have been accused of being "salvation by works" oriented people. I could never make an adequate argument to put to rest these accusers but i would simply re-tort that James says "faith without works is dead". But I can't say i understood the James' meaning . There were several standard arguments on various subjects that I never completely felt comfortable with although I parroted them as though i was. I didn't know I had the right to not agree with all that i had learned growing up. I assumed smarter men than me had worked it all out and every bit of it was inerant Bible truth. Not until i went to Italy to work in a mission context did i begin to admit long surpressed doubts. When the flood gates were finally opened i found myself in a swift current that was flowing into forbidden waters. The consequence for me was a fear that I might be abandoning sacred ground and would go to hell for becasue of it. I would be an apostate! If i allowed myself to question a few things how long would it be before the Hebrews passage (10:26-31) applied to me? Was i one of those sows that had been cleansed but now running back to the familiarty and comfort of the hog wallow?
Well, what is the correct view? Are we saved by works or by faith? I feel both apply equally to our quest for eternal life although I admit fallability. I'm sure this stuff is old hat for many of you who may read this but it can be a brand new hat that needs to be fitted and worn awhile for others.
I know that my choosing the right word to convey my thought is extremely important. I certainly do not want my use of "pleasing" and "acceptable" above to distort God's gacious grace of salvation. Both these words do imply a certain "conduct or the act of doing". For example, "if we have faith do we merit God's favor? If we do not then do we merit His displeasure? If through our faith we being filled with "good works" please God then if we are filled with bad or evil or indifferent works we displease Him. He takes vengence on those who do not know Him and who do not obey the truth. (2Thess). We can "Win the prize" or we can "Lose the prize" ("win the race set before us" implies the losers do not win because the failed to compy with the standards for winning). "Winning and/or losing" implies doing or not doing something. Or doing something well and not doing something well.
I guess what i am saying is this: We do not merit the sacrifice of Jesus nor the forgivness of our sins. When God saves us by the blood of Christ this is pure grace. No works of merit on our part earned this gift. From this moment, which i will refer to as point (A), we begin a brand new life and learn to walk in a new way as we grow and mature. Point "A" is the starting gate for our new life which endures until we reach point "B" the end. Now begins the maintanence of this gift of life that God has shared with us. What must i do to be saved has been answered. Now the question becomes what must i do to keep this gift. I must learn to protect it, appreciate it. cherish it and long for it's fulfillment. There is a very real possibility of it being taken away if my faith does not urge me, thrust me, nag me and prove me as i walk the road. "Without faith it is impossible to please God..." Heb. 11:6. Without faith it is impossible to be the handiwork of God's workmanship. (Eph. 2) We are continually in His workshop being continually created in Christ to do the good works He prepared in advance especially for this pilgrimage we are making to the Holy Land. These are the works i believer James speaks of. James is not considering the gift of salavation we already have but the visible expression of our devotion and alliengence to the One who gave it to us. Our works are the proof of the pudding. They show our character. They demonstrate our faith as well as the depth of our faith. I like the 7 churches in Rev. in reference to faith and works.
One of biggest problems however is I can't seem to completely and finally abandon the legalist's camp and be happy doing these good works without the guilt of falling short. I am constantly reminded of the passage in Daniel 5:27 where Belshazzar is told he has been weighed in the scales and found wanting. In all of my 68 years I still play the hypocrite role occasionally. I still think bad thoughts or lie on demand or neglect opportunities or gossip, or feel dislike for someone or lust or etc., etc. Am I winning the race with flying colors when human weaknesses afflict me? Am I carrying the banner of Christ high so that all can see? Do I stand tall among men as one of God's own? I have a tendency to compare myself to the wrong standards or the wrong Example.
Of course i believe that God provides help to be winners and conquerors. But some of us are too confused or too biased or too simple minded or too afraid or too weak or too guilt laden, or too foolish or too whatever to recognize the Spirit's leadership and we try to go it alone and try to conquer on the merits of our own strength and wit.
Isn't it sad to be sure of something and yet malign that assurance by an unmanagable human spirit? I pray all people will come to know the love of God in Christ by the power of His Spirit.
One of these times i'll share some thought on Predestination. I know when i do that in a sense I'm entering a wasteland where centuries of pros and cons have been advanced and discarded. This is a subject that the Bible presents with very little background from which to base an infallible thesis. What ever i might say is simply one of my many theories.
Robert of Robert's Tomfoolery.

The Donkey and the Little Horse.

2005-11-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

My neighbor next door, who owns several horses, recently sold the property and offered me a donkey and a small horse. Both are probably 3 to 3-1/2 feet high. I'm fencing off a part of my lot so i can keep them behind my house. Right now they are in the pasture of another neighbor behind me. When he bought his place he acquired a pair of miniture horse. A stallion and a mare. They since have managed to produce a colt. The little stallion is pretty agressive. Hilton, my neighbor, suggested we put the stallion with my little mare and maybe she would let him go to bed with her and I'd get a colt out of it. He did turn the little male in yesterday with mine and the little rascal didn't even take time for foreplay. He knew what he wanted and went after it right away. He wasn't about to hear any excuses about being tired or having a headache. But she seemed okay with it his hurry up approach. Not being around around horses much i don't have any idea how many times they need to go bed together for her to get pregnant but he was sure getting his money's worth. The only time i saw them together he was like a typical male. As soon as he was through he ran over to the fence and started visiting with one of the male horses in the next pasture. No doubt he was bragging about his recent conquests and how he could have her anytime he wanted her. And like a infatuated and jilted little girl she ran after him but he just kept jawing with the other horse and ignoring her. She just stood looking so forlorn and tried her best to be seductive but to no avail. I haven't forgotten the donkey so don't drop out on me now. while all of this is going on (he's been neutered by-the-way) he's running around in a frenzy in what appears to be an effort to keep them apart. I think he thinks the mare is his exclusive friend and he must protect her. anyway the donkey and the stallion have spared off and on since yesteday. I don't know if the stallion or the mare have had enough but neither seem fond of the donkey right now. It's kinda like mom and dad trying to enjoy a few moments of intimacy and the kids keep coming in the room. I guess in all of this playing around i'm probably going to get a little one out of it whether i want one or not. I'm pretty sure niether of them was using protection. The sad thing is i was just about to have this talk with her about the birds and the bees. Now she's been instructed in all of this by a master seducer. Oh well. You can't fight nature. The donkey tried but even he has his limitations. Take care. Robert for Robert's Tomfoolery

2nd installment:faith/works

2005-11-12T06:21:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention in the original installment the contents of my most often prayed prayers as a youth. 1) was that God would lead me to a Christian woman to be my wife and He did. My wife Jan, the mother of my four children, is a good Christian woman. She is moral to a fault. Completely faithful to her marriage and family. However, our personalities as well as our temperments have clashed alot over the years. I always felt these raised a barrier and distance between me and her. Consequently i drug her over some pretty rough terrain a few times. Yet she has remained by my side and still loves me and walks beside me. 2) To keep my parents safe and let them live until in my heart i was prepared to let them go. (this prayer i still pray for my own family though modified somewhat. I pray for their health, that they will be physically and materially sufficient, that their lives will be focused on God and His ways always and never leave Him and that God will allow me the privilege of leaving this life before any of them must even if it means me leaving in the place of one of them.
Well so much for that. I still haven't been totally "cured" of the malady of legalism. Especially in the past few years that i haven't been as active in Christian works as i once was was. Intellectually, I am able to accept being saved by grace through faith. And i know if i am saved it will be that way. But for some reason i find it very hard to consistantly keep myself in that catagory. I know part of the reason reflects on my past, both distant and near. Over the years the hardest negative in my life to control has been certain fleshly appitites. And i think my wife would agree that my greatest weaknesses are how easily I can become "addicted" to things. I find it much easier to avoid the physical act of sin than playing it out mentally. My mind and heart is where i become corrupted.
i do believe that when a person turns to God that the gift of salvation comes as pure grace from God. God reaches for us in love and tender compassion because we are entirely helpless to do anything for ourselves. When Peter said, "save yourselves from this corrupt generation" in Acts, he is encouraging his listeners to accept God's invitation. To respond favorably to this invitation brought the promised benefits. To be passive or refuse meant to remain as they were. but this is only the beginning of salvation. There is a lot of ground to cover from beginning to end. Salvation itself cannot be bought, earned, merited or deserved. But the problem of maintaining oneself in this saved state is very real and demanding.
Though the Bible speaks strongly in favor of salvation apart from works it nevertheless associates the "maintanence" of salvation is affected by good or bad works. As i see it works has a lot to do with our final destination. Works are incorporated into so many Biblical expressions. Works seem to be the impetus behind faith. Let me cite a couple. "be faithful unto death" (Rev), { this implies conduct-works}; "your faith is being reported..." (Rom), {this implies conduct-works}; And I am aware that for every one I refer to you can counter it with four or five that say or imply the opposite.
Perhaps I'm way out in left field and only making an issue because of my own weaknesses. I realize that nothing i say or do can ever be the final word or action for others but both can have an eternal effect on me.
When i first thought about this subject i had intended to say much more but i think this is sufficient. It's much more abbriviated than i first intended but I see no point in draging it out and repeating myself with the use of different words. Thanks for sharing. Robert for Robert's Tomfoolery.

The Weight of the Earth

2005-11-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

OBSERVATION: Can the earth's weight be altered either lighter or heavier by rearrainging the molecuels of existing material or resources? Is a ton of iron ore intact still a ton when it's components have been broken down into steel, slag, smoke, dust and hot sparks? When the materials used to make concrete are combined and the mixture is dry does its weight change? Consider some dust is lost at the mixing and a little sand or pebbles or gravel may fall by the wayside. As we consume the earth"s natural resourses and change their natural mloecular makeup, is its overall weight being altered by these changes or are is it just being rearranged into other forms of equal weight values? Does a pound of wood when burned still weigh a pound if the ashes, sparks and smoke are weighed together? Does a gallon of heating oil weigh the same when the soot and smoke are weighed? If every person on earth suddenly gained an extra hundred pounds would the earth be any heavier than before the weight gain? Or would the lost weight of consumed food solids be offset by the fat build up and the body wastes resulting from the transformation? What if everyone on earth suddenly lost 50 pounds each. Would this lighten the overall weight or would the difference be compensated for in the wastes deposited by each body's loss.
I think our government should spend some time and money determining the answer to this. Wouldn't the world be a better place and offer a safer environment for us if we knew these things?
Suppose the earth becomes too light for it gravity force. Would it launch out uncontrolably into space hurling us into the endlessness of the universe? Or if it became too heavy for this gravity force would it slow down and teeter on its axis and crumble in on itself?
Think this over and consider the source. Robert of Robert's Tomfoolery

faith or works or faith and works

2005-11-04T05:11:00.000-08:00

First let me say that i am convinced in my heart that God does not save us because of our meritorious works but on the other hand not by a faith affirmation alone either. in my mind there must be a reconciling of the two so that both form a harmonious union that agrees with the gift of grace. Faith by nature, demands some kind of activity before it can manifest itself in a person's life.

As a child my parents took me to church meetings every time the doors were opened. I attended Sunday and Wednesday Bible classes, heard countless sermons, attended Gospel meetings, vacation Bible school, special training classes for men and boys and youth classes. I participated in almost everything the youth were involved in. Even leading singing, speaking, serving the Lord's Supper, sung at funerals, sat up with the dead, the sick. Visited area churches during revivals and led singing for some of them. I remember some older ladies saying I was a "five talent" person. I'm not exactly sure i knew what that meant at the time. This may have bloated my head a little and i guess i really thought of myself as someone special. But having been blessed with a timid personality coupled with an ego that believed all negative criticism was true i eventually lost a lot of confidence in myself to achieve and consequently didn't apply myself in school. A couple of teachers i remember took a personal interest in me and tried to encouraged me to apply my self but i didn't listen. When I was in the seventh grade i remember one coach in particular who destroyed my confidence lecturing me and telling me i was egotistical and a showoff. Perhaps i was but a seventh grader ought not to hear that from a coach. My parents weren't scholasticly educated either and really didn't know how to encourage me or my brothers and sisters to apply ourselves in school. I went to college one year just to please my mother. I had a failing grade in every subject and I quit to work and eventually get married.

During much of my youth, i loved the simplicity of our family. I never learned to be street wise or tough and never had to endure very many of life's hard knocks. Much as with any kid, my life was sprinkled with a degree of hypocrisy. but the roads of darkness were never comfortable to me. I cussed some, told and listened to dirty jokes, smoked, chewed, tried to make out with girls, etc. But one of my greatest strenghts all of my life has been a champion and defender of the weak, the helpless, the less popular and the simple minded (animal or human). Not trying to justify the things i did, most of "badness" was when i was in the company of certain individuals. I guess i was trying to be cool and accepted. But the regular crowd i ran around with were, for the most part, good, decent kids. None of us were hoodlums or destructive or other people's property. We didn't make trouble for others and just pretty much stayed to ourselves.

During most of my years i prayed regularly. I asked God's forgiveness but never quite felt forgiven. Even though my heart was basicly good and i did a lot of good I always carried with me the weight of uncertainty about my salvation. And even though i walked the dark road i was never comfortable doing so. I always felt what ever good i did was quickly annuled and cancelled any good points i had made with God. I could have written much of what Paul expressed in Romans 7.
I remember hearing sermons about sinning after baptism. A person could make things right with God by coming forward and asking for prayers. My understanding of this was very narrow and i thought of it as a "second chance" to make things right if you screwed up after baptism. One preacher described it as a "second law of pardon". Even thought i felt in my heart i had already blown the first chance i wasn't about to waste this second chance without being absolutely sure i could perfectly after ward. I fought the urges to go forward and make my self right again with God. Even though i feared dying before i did this the fear of not being able to keep my life from sin was greater and i would respond for prayer. No way was i going to use my second chance. If I used it and failed then it was all over for me! I finally did go forward for prayers one day and felt real good for about 24 hours. Then I did something wrong and low and behold i was right back where i started from. Sick at heart and lost from God. In my mind i was hopeless. Left without any avenue now to approach God for more forgiveness and help to control my evil side. There were no third chances on my horizon.

And strangely, even with this weight around my neck i never walked away from God. Some sense within me kept me going even in the face of such desperation. Could i ever do enough to make myself worthy of God's approval? I had all the frustrations of Paul in Rom. I never quit praying but i always felt like someone on the outside looking in. Wishing but never receiving. Hoping but never obtaining.

Well this is somewhat of a background that i have lived with most of my life. The hardest thing i've ever faced in life is overcoming this legalistic and surpressing spirit. I can't say i am fully liberated from it but i've certainly come a long way. In my next installment i want to give a few thoughts contrasting my earlier attitude with my present one. God bless. Robert

buzzards III

2005-11-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

After almost five decades the immagtrants had grown to a nation of over a half million and began to have internal problems with the concepts of a central government. Many could or would not abandon the traditional breakdown of clans and leadership based on a forum of clan leaders. At the beginning of the sixth decade the people split into two factions. The more conservative move further south into what is now known as Utah, Wyoming and Arizona. They took several hundred buzzards with them and eventually loosed them into the wildernesses of those areas. They also took the tradition of the Blessed Day meal with them but in time this became a feast day they referred to as "Thanksgiving" and instead of the buzzard they wild turkey became the bird of choice at their feasts. (yes the pilgrims did introduce Thanksgiving on the east coast but the Ukranian immagrants introduced it in the central and western territories). As the Ukranian settlers drifted so did the buzzards. In time most of the migrating southern clans settled in what is now Oklahoma. It was called "Oklahoma" when some of the indians couldn't say "Ukraine" but said "Okrahomine" instead. But over time the word evolved into its present pronounciation. From these early settlers in Oklahoma came the great westward migration to California during the sever droughts that held the southwest in it grip for several years. "California" is a corruption of the Ukranian word "Chlorifomula".
one word about the bald aspect of buzzards. Most scientists think that the buzzard evolved into a bald head by nature's decree to protect it from disease, etc. so as not to carry the filth away from its rotting dinners in its head feathers. But the true reason the buzzard is bald is because of a tradition that began in the Old Country. Since it was a national bird the people wanted it to be distinct from all other birds so they caught and plucked the head feathers from all buzzards. In time the adult females, wanting to protect their babies from this excruciatingly painful tradition of feather plucking the mature birds, began plucking their babies head feathers in the nest. so in truth baby buzzard are born with head feathers but none leave the nest until they are completely bald. the reason the feathers do no grow back is becasue of a secretion the mother buzzard smears on the babies head thus sealing forever the feather follicles thus preventing the feather growth. if, as in some very rare cases, an adult buzzard's head feathers grow back the other adults will peck it to death symbolizing the purging of impurity. if on the other hand the people could trap the adult bird before it was killed by the others they had it stuffed as raised on a sacrificial totum to indicate man is more intelligent and powerful than their national bird.
The northern bunch of this initial immagration finally intermarried with the local indians and pretty well lost any semblance of origin by the 7th decade. And the eagle became the national bird while the poor buzzard lost its glory to become a representation of revulsion and death. Superstition has kept the buzzard from extinction over the years. It was thought in the northern climes that to kill a buzzard meant bad fortune to the person who killed it. Only if they killing were accidental could the guilty party be exhorerated from the curse. But it required him dining with the birds as they feasted on a rotting carcass.
There are many other facets of the American Buzzard but this can be left to another time. My next installment will change the channel to religion. I want to share some thoughts on WORKS and FAITH. Happy day. robert

Buzzards: part II

2005-10-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

When the Ukrainians arrived in America they declared the day as "Holidaski Festovic" (Blessed Day). This day has an uncanny resemblence to our Thanksgiving thus showing that all men, regardeless of their origin, have inner convictions of gratitude for divine blessings. Wanting to celebrate this day as a holy day it was decided by the immigrants that they would go against the Ukranian tradition of never killing or eating the national bird and declare the buzzard as the standard for this day of blessing by sacrificing some of them for their blessing meal. Each family clan was given immunity from the law protecting the national bird and allowed to kill one young buzzard , not more than one year old, and cook it for the Blessed Day Meal. Each family member was obliged to eat a portion of the bird's dark, dry, sinewy meat while chanting a blessing on the clan. After the meal the birds carcass was to be hung on a totem pole in front of the cabin of the clan's patriarch and remain there for two fortnights as a reminder of the divine blessing received. After the alloted time the bones of the bird were taken to the nearest stream and tossed one at a time into the swiftest part. This signified that the bird was now released from its sanctified position and allowed once more to fly into the "wilderinski" (open skies) of eternity. Then the elders of each clan met for the traditional "supper of the birds" which consisted of its prefered cusine, the rotting flesh of a fallow deer. This tradition was discontinued after only two generations. These men learned very quickly that they personally could not tolerate this food of their national bird and tried in vain they to pass the tradition on to the "youngerashkovi" "junior elders" of the tribe. This resulted in wholesale abandonment of the junior elder order. Even the "adoleshenovic" "younger men" began declining the prestigious call to enter the tribal "skoolchinski" (seminary) because of the revulsion they felt for the tradition.
This was probably the greatest test of unity the immigrants had faced in all their migrations and attempts to become "popolotri unikititusski" "one people" in the land. Weathering this crisis actually brought greater unity and harmony to the fledgling nation. Out of this dark time came the national flag, a beautiful banner of orange with a large turkey buzzard emblazened in the middle and the words "Unitenski wevus standabuzzardrikvic" (united we stand under the great buzzard).
Time to end this session and wait a while for part III.

Buzzards (lat: "eatacus lottabadstuffinus"

2005-10-29T02:53:00.000-07:00

The buzzards we eroniously call native to America actually came from Vulturinski in the south of the Ukraine. Hence the adopted nomenclature "Vulture". In the early years of the 12th century the Buzzard was the national bird of the the Ukraine. It naturally was selected as a part of the essentials to take along when a huge migration of Ukranian families began for new lands discovered beyond the Bering Straits. They took twelve pairs of eight different species with them and upon arrival they released all the surviving birds into what is now known as British Columbia Canada. Upon release the entire flock of birds headed south toward our present U.S.A. This bewildered the immagrees and they began following the birds south. First of all because they couldn't bear living in a place and not seeing their national bird soaring above them in the beautiful blue skies. Secondly, they were concerned for the birds' welfare. You see, in the beginning the buzzard was not a hardy bird and had to have a very delicate and steady diet of Volga berries in order to stay alive. These folks had wisely brought a supply of Volga berries with them but in addition to becoming depleted they began to spoil and stink. When these bad berries were discarded it was noted that the birds were taking to them before going for the better berries. In time the eating habits and preference of the birds was for anything that was rotten or rotting and rarely did they ever eat fresh meat or Volga berries. As a side note the immagrants planted Volga berries to insure a future food supply for the birds. These grew profusely and soon were out of control. Because the new trees grew taller and were greener the people thought their hated enemy, the Changs of China, had sabatoged their berry supply with a similar but inedible berry and now they were being mocked with Chang's berries. Actually, this was untrue. Due to the climate Mother Nature herself changed the leaf texture, berry size and berry odor. The birds simply would not approach these mutated berries. So, the immagrants called these trees "Chang's China Berry". Thus our present day China Berry Tree. This fact is in itself another item to later be considered.
Although Canada can claim first dibs for the buzzard, any buzzards in Canada today, ironically migrated there from the U.S. Later some of all species of the buzzards brought to the New World were captured and distributed to differents parts of the U.S. as bird size, appitite and mating habits dictated.
(next time a critical analysis of all buzzard now residing in the U.S.)

maiden voyage

2005-10-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

Ready? Set. Goooooo!!!!!!! Well, well, well. Here i am in the world of Blogg. I must say it i don't feel or look different. Perhaps if i sit here awhile i'll be carried away into an unforgetable experience of entertainment, fun, and both serious and lighthearted banter. Hope if i get to deep into this i can find my way back and get back to my other world where i have to play the rough and tumble game of survival. I think i'm going to enjoy these little get away moments in this new world. Hopefully i won't always be talking to myself but that someone will come play with me. I've got to learn how to read the road map of Blogg's many sites and locate a few rest stops along the way.
since i'm on juno i have to stop once in a while and look at ad. They don't like it if you ignore them.
I enjoy creating stories and writing letters that fall into the world of fantasy or make believe. I do a lot of this with my brother and nephew. I've made up stories of the origins of many animals, folk lore, amphibians, etc. None of it is real of course but it is entertaining to me. Someday my grandkids will probably find copies of all this stuff and their papa was a little cockeyed. when I write these things I am really an expert in these fields. In fact, it is written in such a way that a novice might even believe some of it. If ever you'd like to sample some of it let me know. Or if you like me to prepare an expose of something or if you'd like to know the "real truth" about a song, event, historical fact let me know. Otherwise i might just force this stuff on you. I also like to talk about and give my opinions on many subjects, especially the Bible. I'm not very politically motivated however. I vote and like and dislike the things going on but have rarely been motivated to take to the soap box or hearald the pros and cons. Guess i better quit. It's time to get back to reality and get something done that might make tomorrow an easier day. I have a wedding to do tomorrow night and really need to devote sometime to the ceremony. I don't want to call these two by the wrong name or forget the rings or vows. Ciao. Robert for Robert's Tomfollery

2005-10-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hello World...this is my blog. Can't wait to share stories with you!